I'm tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I've never been so depressed in my life before... it's a struggle, every single day... not by my superiors, not by my colleagues but by myself. I have a target to hit, a certain figure that I must achieve every month... but the most brutal taskmaster is myself..

I postponed all appointments, schedules, invitations.. so that I could finally be alone by myself to think for the first time in weeks...
- what is happening to me?

I really don't know what is happening... my mind is in a constant compressed state of stress and agitation, I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated that I could cry.. how far have I fallen from my previously cheerful state?

Is this the life which I want?

The sky is getting dark as I write this post, and I'm all alone in my house... More then one person has said that it is my attitude, that I need to change my attitude... I need to look on the bright side, that I have a job, I have an environment to work in that is relatively conducive.
Only catch is, you are your own taskmaster.

Then, what is the job I think suits me best? I'm tired, so tired of being in places where I can't see the future or a future inside it...

I want to genuinely help people, and where people will appreciate the help
I want to have an organized, standardized working time
I want to work hard, and know that people around me know I'm a hard worker.
I want to be in a supportive working environment
I want to specialize at something, and excel in it to the point of almost perfection.
I want to be indispensable in an organization
I want to be a Christian on my job.

I don't want to have to worry about my next rice bowl or roof over my head
I don't want to constantly be worrying about whether there will be business tomorrow or the day after
I don't want to feel so alone in everything I do




Every night when I pray I cry.. it hurts so much and I don't know why...
I even think I might be suffering from clinical depression... I even feel suicidal at times.
My mind is constantly hazy and my brain keeps thumbing me down at everything....



I need help.

='(

To Probe the Invisible Behemoth

It has been a long, long time since I blogged properly..

Haha... I guess it's because I have so many things to write about, so many thoughts un-penned that the notion of putting them all into words is proving to be a very daunting task.

To sum things up, just one post ago (which was quite some time back), I was given the Herculean task of completing the CMFAS papers by the Monetary Authority of Singapore.

CMFAS actually means Capital Market Financial Advisory Services, so yes, I am registered as a legal representative to give financial advise, of course under the watch of my employer.

In perspective, I've told many people how seemingly impossible a task this is, to complete ELEVEN examinations in under a month, and EIGHTEEN internal papers in the next month, totalling to TWENTY-NINE exams in under TWO months.

If maths serve you well, you would gasp in shock and horror as you realize that yes, that means an exam almost every day.

But, the amount of knowledge I have absorbed in the past months is beyond comprehension as well. Studying day, and night, to the point of limiting my sleep and spending every waking moment pouring through textbooks and mock papers flung open a reality that I never thought would exist - the Market.

No, not the place where you buy fish and vegetables (though that would constitute a microscopic part of the Market), but the place where an invisible behemoth lies beneath. The Market, it is everywhere and it affects literally everything. No country can hide from it, and no individual is invulnerable to it.

This brings the total behemoths I surmise over my past experiences to three. 

1) The physical reality: This reality is what you see, what you feel, hear, smell - everything your senses can lock in. If you die in the physical reality, you will never see it again.

2) The Internet: This is a reality. And its a behemoth in it's infant stages. The Internet is everywhere, and it is the combined knowledge of almost every single discovery and wisdom that has every been historically available. If you imagine a single person being able to have the entire Internet in his brain, he would technically be able to solve every single problem on earth just be tabulating all the various permutations to create a solution.

3) The Market: This is a behemoth in it's matured stage. Like the Internet, it is invisible. But the market controls politics, which in turn controls people, which in turn controls culture and everything in it. You and I collateral result of the Market. The education system, the sociological construct, and even happiness and sadness are very much controlled by this behemoth.

These three sleeping monsters are a ticking time bomb, waiting to detonate and collapse - resulting in ultimate chaos from their construct of ultimate order.

You must be thinking, "siao ah", this guy is mad.

But imagine this:

1) The Physical Reality is in an unprecedented, never seen before stage in the billion-years history of the planet. Nature is ripping the entire planet apart. Temperatures are rising and plummeting, drought, famine, floods, disease are the order of the day. Every single day, even your most favourite optimistic news station broadcasts news that would make people in the 16th century declare Apocalypse now. These disasters has increased exponentially over the past century. Just imagine, if the disaster rate just folded upon itself and multiplied itself again, lets say by 10 times; you will be seeing billions of people dying every single day.

2) The Internet. This is a tricky topic, and many people would think that it would never happen. But to understand what COULD happen, it just takes a little bit of imagination. The Internet is the biggest reservoir of knowledge in the entire world - nothing even comes close. As with the famous phrase "knowledge is power"; we are living in the era where information is the ultimate currency. It is not too hard to imagine that the entire world will soon be dependent on the Internet for information. In fact, as of this moment, schools are integrating Google as a part of the education syllabus.

There is just one problem - when does it stop? In one swoop, all your credit card, your house keys, your children's information and your medical information can belong to a single organization. All you can do is pray that they are on your side. Then again, the likelihood is at best, 50-50.

3) The Market: Judging from what I've learnt so far, the Market is system that imposes regulations upon regulation and more regulations in order to justify certain outcomes for the rich. It is this "Market" that the Devil wears Prada on. It is this "Market" that the rich and famous control. It is this "Market" that almost every single war in the past century has been centred upon. At the current moment, the world is in a more critical situation than it has ever been in ever - market volatility is at it's highest, recession and stagflation hits harder and harder, and the entire world in MASSIVE debt - ironically, to its future. I was talking to a good friend this morning, and he enlightened me that this debt is a "push forward debt", simply put - the future generation WILL pay for the mistakes of today.

There is NO solution to it unless of course entire countries collapse. Like how the Greece debt crisis is happening now.

You see? We're truly living in very interesting times.

If we could by stock options on our futures, the premium would be very high judging on the extreme volatility of every situation happening.

There are of course solutions to this - and that is to prepare everyone and erase the source of the problem at one go.

But I digress. I am writing this post because for once I actually have a bit of free time, after I have done my long overdued housework.

Finally, just as the icing on the cake, I am now truly a Banker.

I have obtained approval from both MAS and my employer, DBS to be one.

This has not been an easy road, and the journey ahead is at best, tougher. But I thank, with all my heart the few people who offered me this chance to run this path. As always, I will do my best. I simply, do not know how not to.

Success is only available to those who persevere.

=)

Thank you. 

Let no one ever say that I am not doing my best for the CMFAS exams.

I'm Andrew.

I don't know how NOT to do my best.

up till today, there is only one drama series in existence that can make me shed tears no matter how many times I watch it.

Ruminations by the Water

Finally, I have returned back to Singapore after a grueling but highly fulfilling 18 months in Australia.
Blogging has become somewhat of a luxury for me... Nowadays I prefer to post short snippets of my thoughts on Facebook.. So much easier.

But this thought is an exceptional one not just because of the length, but the reflection on my personal life.

While swimming today, I encountered a small boy and his teacher, both struggling - one exerting his utmost effort to teach, and the other exerting his utmost effort not to learn.
From a spectator's point of view, it was an utterly hilarious sight:

The teacher was using both hands to suspend the boy in the water, enabling him to perfect his paddling motions. Given the impossible chance of drowning, you would expect the boy to be trying his best to simulate what was thought. - but no.
The little boy was screaming and crying, with a commendable effort to, in fact, DROWN himself in that shallow pool. He kept repeating the same mantra that, "I am unable to do it! I am drowning!" in a volume that would make a RSM cry with shame.

Nonetheless, the instructor kept him afloat, and with commendable effort, guided him to the other end of the pool.
The boy was still insisting that he could not do it, even when his feet was touching the base of the pool.


.. Well, it may seem hilarious if you were actually watching it as a spectator. But on closer reflection, I realize that this is how so many people are like, even as adults....
We are given a safe environment to study, learn and excel, but because of restrictions that we place on ourselves, we believe that we are unable to do it.

We are afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail.

In secondary school, we tell ourselves we cannot fail, that we will die if we fail. The same way that the little boy conditioned himself to believe that if he gulped in a few mouthful of water he would die. Consequently, he forgets that the instructor is right next to him.

At work, we fear our bosses. We believe them to be harbingers of doom and slavery. We cannot talk to them because they have transcended mortality. In the same way, it never occurred to the boy that the instructor was his age once, that he struggled the same way he struggled as he had the same physiology as the little boy before. Consequently, the little boy tells himself that he will never achieve the same status as his teacher, causing him to spiral into a series of self-fulfilling prophecies.

We all have that little boy in us that we need to let go. True, some decisions we make in life can be fateful, but more often then not, we are limited by our own personal perceptions.

How easy it is to say that we cannot do it and give up!
By giving up, we reject the complete experience that life has to provide. And, in this day and age, we have so many instructors and teachers with their hands under our bellies, such that if we do go underwater, it isn't that far before we can feel a hand grab us and pull us up.

Appreciate your teachers, don't disappoint them by limiting your potential.

So many social obligations, tearing me into a billion different pieces...

I've achieved a lot in my time here in Brisbane, and I don't think that the things I learn here will go to waste. But my eyes have really been open to so many things.

I miss home..

I miss my friends...

I miss being myself. I can never be who I am around the people I know, because I know they will never understand.

sigh...

Singapore... when I return, will you still have a future for me?

Working with a committee that has totally no enthusiasm, no interest, and no passion is like tiling a field full of rocks with your bare hands.

How can you profit from God's work? or should I say how could you dare to profit from God's work?

my heart is so, so heavy.... I feel like just stepping down...

How can you look at me with conviction and say that you are doing God's work when you keep glorifying yourself by boasting of the works that you do for God?

It is not for my eyes, or for the committee. Let God decide.

I have so much things I doubt about your version of Christianity. True, you may be so much more experienced... but how can you condemn all other churches but your own belief without so much as blinking?

How can you do such a thing??

Are you not God's servant?

I have so much things I would like to say to you. But I will do it before I leave Brisbane.

You make me so, so, so so sad...

The weekend is finally over!

I'm so stressed that when I finished typing my final word on the registry I cried.

I have so much work to do... finally I can start on my tutorials...

and it is 11:00pm already.

Haiz.

Closure..

In life, doors open and doors close. But how many you wish to leave open is up to you, and how many you wish to walk through is up to you as well.

2011 has been a year of change for me.

Major change.

I've learnt things that I could never have learnt myself in Singapore, and skills that outshine any teachable.

- Independence, and Reliance.

Neither is greater then the other, but through hardship, while learning to stand on my own two feet alone, I realized that nobody could be entirely self-dependent.

We may believe that we are wise enough, intelligent enough or strong enough to withstand the weight of this world. But without God, the world eventually will win through.

Well... it's 2012 now, and it's time for my previous year's resolution review!

Let's see...

2011 Resolutions
i. Ensure that my transition to Brisbane is flawless.

It was more then flawless. It was perfect. Even the rough edges became sparkling diamonds when you see God's hands at work.

ii. Be financially independent by June 2011, on proper, decent part-time jobs.

Haha... Thank God, I am having a very decent part-time job now, but I missed the financially independent part... lol... Living costs is just simply too high.

iii. Hit 70kg in ultra-lean, muscle mass.

Aww... no. I didn't manage to get that. I'm still stuck at 65kg. But I reckon my body has improved substantially!

iv. Read the entire bible once through (again).

ALMOST!!! I'm almost there.... err.. ok. Either way, I didn't fulfill this resolution. =(

v. Make at least 3 very good friends in Brisbane.

Yeap! Haha.. Simon, Charlie, Jason,.... I have hundreds of friends in Brisbane... lol

vi. Hit at least 90 percentile in my degree

Haha.. I'm 95th Percentile. =) Thank God!

vii. Perform 30 Pull-ups, Chin-ups, Wide-grip, Narrow-grip without rest by June 2011 and 40 by December.

Eeep... I can barely do that, but currently could if I set my mind on it. *cough* definitely. =D

viii. Explore 5 other major sites of interest outside Brisbane, in Australia.

Lets see.... Sydney, Melbourne, Tasmania, Byron Bay, Sunshine Coast, Gold Coast... Haha.. I definitely did quite a bit of travelling last year. And took a massive number of photos to boot. =)

ix. Learn 1 more new sport that I'll enjoy.
I'm learning Autralian Rules Football, Rugby and Cricket! But I think OzRules is still the most fun.

x. Cut down my fat percentage to below 10%

Nope. Didn't manage to do it. As of after the Christmas period, my BF% is 13.30. Terrible, terrible stat.